I like to tell people I’m good at receiving feedback. Confident, right? The truth is, as soon as someone starts giving constructive criticism, my brain instinctively wants to defend every decision I made. “But I did it this way because…” “Well, that made sense at the time…” Sound familiar? It’s human nature.

Still, asking for feedback is essential if you want to grow. The trick is knowing how to ask for it – and how to actually use it – without crying in the bathroom after.

Starting the Feedback Process

The truth is, not all feedback is created equal. Getting input from just anyone might make you feel like you’re making progress but it could also leave you confused, frustrated, or worse, doubting yourself for no good reason. That’s why it’s worth taking the time to ask the right person.

When deciding who to ask, think about three things:

• Expertise: Does this person understand the area you’re trying to improve? A colleague who has navigated similar challenges can give insight you wouldn’t get from someone outside your field.
• Perspective: A mix of supportive allies and honest critics is ideal. Allies encourage you, while critics push you to see blind spots you might miss. Too much positivity can be comforting, but unhelpful. Too much harshness can be discouraging, but sometimes necessary.
• Honesty without malice: Feedback works best when it’s clear, specific, and delivered respectfully. Someone who enjoys nitpicking without constructive advice is just going to waste your time (and test your patience).

I’ve learned that choosing the right people for feedback is almost as important as the feedback itself. The wrong person can leave you defensive and discouraged; the right person can help you see your blind spots and improve faster than you thought possible.

Getting Useful Feedback

• Timing is everything: Feedback is a delicate dance. Asking for it right before a major deadline or when someone’s juggling multiple priorities rarely works. Schedule time when the other person can focus and when you’re mentally ready to listen without defending yourself.
• Gratitude goes a long way: Even when feedback stings, a sincere “thank you” keeps relationships strong and signals that you’re committed to growth. It also makes people more likely to give feedback again and you know what they say: practice makes perfect.
• Act on it: Feedback without action is like buying a gym membership and never showing up (another habit I am guilty of). Look for patterns in the advice, make a plan, and take small, concrete steps. Over time, those tiny improvements compound into real growth.
• Ask specific questions: Don’t be the person that asks “do you think this is okay?”. It’s the feedback equivalent of throwing a paper airplane into the wind and hoping it lands somewhere meaningful. Specificity gives people something concrete to respond to and gives you actionable insights you can actually implement. 

Listen, Don’t Defend 

I find myself wanting to explain every step I took the moment someone starts critiquing. It’s like a little alarm goes off in my brain begging me to explain my every thought.

But here’s the thing: defending yourself in the moment rarely helps. It can make the other person feel unheard, and it keeps you from fully absorbing their insights. Growth happens when you pause, listen, and resist the urge to justify yourself.

A few strategies that help me:

• Take notes: Writing down feedback helps you focus on the content rather than your defensive reactions. Plus, it gives you something to refer back to later, when your ego isn’t in full battle mode.
• Ask clarifying questions: If something isn’t clear, it’s okay to ask for examples or specifics. This shows you’re engaged and serious about improving, rather than arguing.
• Breathe: Literally. Just a few deep breaths can slow down that instinct to interrupt and explain.
• Sit with the discomfort: Often, feedback stings because it points out blind spots we didn’t know we had. Accept that it might be uncomfortable – but also recognize that discomfort is where real growth happens.

The Edit: Turn Feedback Into Real Growth

Over time, I’ve noticed a pattern: the moments I resist explaining myself and just listen fully are the ones that lead to the biggest improvements. Not only do I get more actionable advice, but people are more willing to give honest feedback in the future.

Remember: feedback isn’t a personal attack. It’s a map showing where you can go next. If you treat it like a conversation rather than a courtroom, you’ll find that even critiques you dread can become your most valuable learning moments.